If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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