i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
