I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
