I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
