he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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