How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I checked into jail on foursquare
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
