He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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