I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
