last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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