My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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