so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
