Can Purell be used as lube?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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