I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
