Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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