Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He felt like a one man threesome
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
