I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
