I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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