Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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