i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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