I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
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