dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
