You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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