Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Randomize
