Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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