Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
