Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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