my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
