so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
only you would photoshop your dick
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
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