Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
