you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
