So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
