toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
