If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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