My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
