You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
