Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
