Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
