I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
