I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
