I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
