i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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