I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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