She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
