The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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