i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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