My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
