It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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