I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Still dying that you shit outside
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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