I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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