i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
